I go to sleep hoping to be woken by the sound of that shrill alarm; expecting to drag myself to the closet, slip on my scratchy kilt, fitted blazer and tie; head to school where I`d start the day on stage, addressing the students about the upcoming week; go to my classes, talk with my friends; come home to my family, a home-cooked meal; maybe head off to soccer practice in the pouring rain, enjoyably burning off my energy. Like clockwork.
Instead, I wake up in my hospital bed. And this routine, this habitual schedule that I am so accustomed to, has seize to be reinstated. My days have been altered from here on out and I can no longer fall asleep expecting to awake in that familiar reality. I have a new future that awaits me: One with less routine and more spontaneity. One with unpredictable outcomes, not knowing how the day will unfold, how it`ll begin or how it`ll end. Whether the stress will consume me or merely distract. Whether the day will be spent at school or the hospital; if I’ll be visiting with friends or with nurses.
But bring it on. Let me wake up to a new, foreign unpredictable routine and let me muster up the strength to fight because sometimes our dreams need to encompass terror. Sometimes we need to endure the unknowing to find our force. A path with no obstacles in life won`t lead to much so greet difficulty with open arms. Know that there will be days of indefinite trauma, nights of unexpected fear, but at the end of it all you will wake to a new perspective: A stronger outlook that will change you completely.
I lay in this bed tonight, scared for morning. Dreading the peaceful silence of an alarm and the absence of a home-cooked meal. But I also fall asleep prepared to face the unpredicted challenges that the morning will bring, because we can`t always wake up to familiarity or routine; and no matter how much resilience it takes, we must accept that with courage and with confidence.
We must accept our obstacles before we overcome them,
Continuing to breed optimism,
- - Serena Bonneville J