My first full day after being discharged from the hospital; thank god. No more hourly vitals from the nurse, no more infuriating whines from the baby next door, no more bland hospital meals and most importantly, no more isolation. I`m home. However, as comfortable as I am back in my own bedroom, I have no choice but to accept that nothing is the same as before. The physical toll that my body is undergoing at the moment is too painful to ignore, even amongst all the excitement of homecoming. I`m beginning to understand, realistically, just how tough this journey is about to get.
It`s hard to explain what it`s like being induced on chemotherapy drugs, but my overall impression is a lack of stimulant and motivation to do anything. My moods are completely unpredictable and will continue on like that as long as these drug combinations keep changing.
I can only best describe it as consistently inconsistent. I seem to be exuding all the symptoms of a pregnant maniac while also encompassing the overall concentration and motivation of a 6-year old. Quite the unexpected blend of commotion.
What were once simple, daily tasks have suddenly become exasperating obstacles that require much more energy than normal: getting out of bed, making breakfast, walking up stairs. It`s pathetic and discouraging; but sometimes, I guess we have no choice but to endure and persist. These are our battles no matter how small yet unbearable and we fight regardless of limitation; despite the weakness of our own challenger.
And as pregnant mothers learn to endure the difficulties within their trimesters, I`m learning to bear these unpredictable affects as they come. Like an inattentive 6-year old, I`m forced to take on each small project with tolerance and patience; accepting of the energy now required to reach completion.
We are all fighters; and whether through chemotherapy, pregnancy, or that age of reckless adolescence, we get through our battles one month, one phase and one project at a time.
Finally home and continuing to breed optimism,
- - Serena Bonneville :)